Monday, May 16, 2011

Without the words...

It might be impossible for you to think I would be unable to blog, but, it is. I am unable to blog not for the lack of things to say but for the words to say them. Everyday here is a blessing, a challenge, and a experience. I never imagined I could fall in love with so many people and one place so quickly. I have thought through the situations I have been in during my time in Uganda a million times to think of ways to tell you. It is truly impossible.

There are not words..There are not words to explain what it was like to watch baby Mustafa fight for his life. There are not words to tell you what it is like to watch the life leave his body day by day as he struggled for breath. I ached for him and prayed until I didn't have the words, all the while a woman just hours away chanted death over him. I rode, sometimes speechless, watching his breath become more labored and faint as we went to his village over muddy rodes with no more oxygen. I kissed him bye for what I thought was the last time. It wasn't the last time. I struggled for hope and prayed for peace when his family brought him back still alive days later...only to take him away again. I don't have the words to express the battle, to express my helplessness, to express the faith and hope I was struggling to hold onto. Mustafa is now with his savior with a healthy body, taking great big breaths, and laughing. It brings tears to my eyes to imagine one day I will get to hold him again..On that day I won't worry about words to say or questioning why. I rejoice for that day, I rejoice for Mustafa and that far outweighs the pain my heart feels.

Since I have been here I have had to choose to rejoice in the peace of heaven and the grace of our father for two babies. I have had to choose not grieve their loss because I selfishly want them here. I've had to trust in God, and believe in his mercy more than ever. I want to ask why..I want to have the words to comfort the broken moms, but I don't have the words.

Psalms 46:10 says "Be still and Know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations; I will be exalted among the earth." I cling to that promise.

Without words there is silence, and in that silence we gain peace. When we allow ourself to be broken and to stop struggling for the words and to let God be God we understand we don't need to understand. I don't need to ask why. I serve a mighty God who cares for me and every one of these babies beyond comprehension. I will trust in his grace, and continue to rejoice everyday for the babys who have made it to that place I long for. I will trust in his mercy as I pray over these babies I continue to love on every day. Because I don't need the words, I need the silence. I need to listen. I need to be still.